Did you catch your husband watching porn or find porn sites in his browsing history? As a wife, I understand this can make you feel angry, hurt, betrayed, or discouraged among a range of other possible intense emotions. After you take the time to pause and cool down, (so you don’t react out of anger which never brings the results we desire) consider which options below could be helpful to you and your husband who’s looking at porn. Every situation is different, but in any given circumstance, there are helpful ways to respond, and some not-so-helpful ways. The point of this article is to help you think about solutions that can actually help foster healing rather than just throwing the book at him, and telling him what a jerk he is (maybe rightfully so). Here are four possibilities to consider if you have a husband watching porn:
1. Ask questions.
First, talk to him about it. He might be too embarrassed to admit it to you, but in order to get to the root of the situation, he needs to identify what the core issues are that cause him to look at porn in the first place. Most likely, this has nothing to do with you, so try not to take it personally. Find out if it is something he views as a problem and something he wants to work on. Or does he think porn is okay and doesn’t see it as a problem at all? If this is the case, then ask him how he thinks it makes you feel? Try to share and calmly explain your feelings and perspective on it, so he understands that even if it’s not a problem for him, it is a problem for you, which makes it a problem for him. Ask him what he thinks are the effects of porn on your marriage.
Many guys wish they weren’t addicted to porn, but they aren’t sure how to stop the cycle of shame and guilt that follows afterward. The shame may make him feel like he can’t talk to anyone about it, keeping him stuck in the vicious cycle. By asking him questions in a nonjudgmental way, you might be the only person he opens up to, which could be the first step in his healing process.
2. Don’t be condemning; be compassionate.
Remember, you have problems and weaknesses too. Consider how you would want him to treat you after you made a mistake or when you’re trying to overcome a weak area. Would you want him to be harsh and critical and angry with you? Or would you want him to be compassionate and willing to help you overcome the issue? He needs you to be a partner, and most likely can benefit from your support. For many men, looking at porn is not something they want to do. Try not to make him feel worse than he might already.
3. Ask him what he thinks the root issue is and encourage him to develop a proactive plan with action steps.
Let your husband direct his own process and come up with the ideas he thinks will be most helpful, so he feels he is taking responsibility for himself, rather than being controlled (even though this isn’t your intention) or mothered. Be a listening and a sympathetic ear as much as possible. Questions, rather than statements, are the best approach. Ask questions that build trust.
4. Become part of the solution.
By practicing the things above, you will show him you are an ally rather than an enemy, someone he feels he needs to hide his weakness from. Society puts enough pressure on men to be strong and never show their weakness. Let him know that it’s okay to be weak with you; this is true partnership and friendship. Maybe this is a good time to vulnerably share with him about one of your struggles. This will tell him that you’re equals, that he’s not less than, and will show him that you’re not judging him. Ask him how you can help. Let go of trying to control him, and tell him that you believe he can overcome this issue and that he’ll be able to help many other men once he does.
Readers, we would love to hear from you: what do you think would be most helpful to wives whose husbands are watching porn?
